


Don't you just wanna go Feral? No, I actually don't.

by MercuryHomophony



Series: Uncanny Valley [2]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: Body Horror, Cannibalism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gordon Freeman is not human, Hurt/Comfort, Mutilation, Panic Attacks, The Science Team are not human, This one... gets gross... yall......, canon typical language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony
Summary: An alternate scene from "Only "Human" After All...?"Gordon promises Tommy that he will not kill Benrey on sight. He has agreed to let Tommy take the lead and ask questions, and listen to whatever Benrey says, and consider it.He's mostly agreed to that because he's suffering from major blood loss, ongoing panic attacks, starvation and sleep deprivation.When he comes face to face with Benrey again, those factors also play a role in how Gordon's teeth end up embedded in Benrey's larynx.
Relationships: Gordan Freeman & The Science Team
Series: Uncanny Valley [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025299
Comments: 26
Kudos: 132





	Don't you just wanna go Feral? No, I actually don't.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [obsidian_heartz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsidian_heartz/gifts).



> So This One! Gets Pretty Violent! And Also Body Horror! So heads up!!
> 
> Many thanks to Obsidian_Heartz for seed-bombing this idea into my brain, where it now lives rent free! 
> 
> Also, the premise for this will make a lot more sense if you read the main story in this series, "Only "Human" After All?"

The first time they see Benrey after Gordon's arm gets cut off, Dr. Bubby and Dr. Coomer take him out _instantly._ In a flash of gunfire he collapses on the ground, and while the other security guard panics and fires back at them and ends up being collateral damage, Gordon can't help but gloat over Benrey's body for a minute. Sure, Benrey wasn't human, and he'd probably be back. But at least he knew where the Science Team stood on him. Maybe he'd think twice before trying to mess with Gordon again!

But, while Dr. Bubby and Dr. Coomer are on his side, Tommy is a little more... hesitant. He still shoots Benrey along with the team, but when they get another quiet moment, Tommy pulls Gordon aside.

The thing is, Tommy likes mean people, which Gordon really didn't understand. Tommy's so nice! For someone well into his thirties, he has this air of child-like wonder about him, combined with an insane amount of optimism and stitched together with off-the-cuff idioms. But apparently, opposites attract. So Tommy likes mean people, and while Gordon doesn't get it, he can respect the other man's choices. 

It's significantly harder to respect that choice when he's trying to convince Gordon to _hear out_ the guy that sold him out to the military and got his _arm chopped off._

Bubby is still on Gordon's side, which is a nice change - he's ready to throw down the second they see Benrey, either in a weirdly genuine attempt to make up for his part in Gordon's dismemberment, or just because he wants to throw down with most things they run into. Gordon's going to decide that it's the former, and accept the warm fuzzy feelings of someone _finally_ agreeing with him that Benrey is suspicious and actively hindering them.

The fuzzies might also be from blood loss. He's not a doctor, he doesn't know the symptoms. 

Still, he focuses for a moment as the Neo-Science Team takes down some soldiers up ahead, and feels the last of his appendix vanish into nothing, the cells reabsorbing into his body and turned into blood instead. Thank god for that med station they'd found - it hadn't had a lot of blood-packs for the HEV suit to IV into him, but it's quick-heal function had managed to stop the bleeding, leaving a thin layer of scarring over the stump of his arm instead.

He has the brief thought that at least this will be easy to fix once they get out of here... and then forcefully blocks that line of thought. As far as the rest of the Science Team, the rest of the _world,_ knows, Gordon Freeman is a normal human man. 

He's not. He doesn't really have a name for his species - they're not exactly _sociable_ , and his parents left him as soon as he was old enough to listen to his instincts properly. But he knows enough to know that if he were ever found out, he'd probably end up in a tube not unlike Bubby's. Maybe even worse - Bubby may be a test-tube baby, but at least he was made with _some_ human DNA. Jury's out on what gave him the pyrokinesis, though.

Still, so long as the Science Team lives, his arm has to stay off. It'll invite too many questions if he grows it back, and he's resigned himself to it. It's better than the alternative.

He glances around the corner as the sounds of gunfire slow down. "Gordon? They're all dead, you can stop being a pussy and come out now!" Bubby demands impatiently. Gordon does catch the way his eyes scan the room for him, and it touches him that the older scientist does look worried. That expression disappears when Gordon waves to him from his hiding spot, carefully pulling himself to standing. 

They keep moving forward, towards the Lambda Lab. Dr. Coomer claims the cybernetics department is there, and right now, that's Gordon's only chance of getting something resembling his hand back, because he sure as hell isn't going to have the insurance to pay for a prosthetic that Black Mesa's destroyed. 

Maybe he could convince them to give him an ExtendoArmTM, like Dr. Coomer's. That would be pretty cool.

The Science Team turns a corner, and Gordon pulls up short. Ahead of them, there are two security guards, talking. One of them is shuffling his feet in a way Gordon _knows_ he recognizes, but he still fights of the idea that it could be him, they _just_ killed him, surely he couldn't have regenerated that quickly.

As he fights off the panic, the rest of the Science Team sweeps past him, and Bubby quickly and confidently guns down the wrong security guard. "I got him!" 

Benrey (it is Benrey, there's no denying that, it's _definitely_ him) looks over at the group, looking at each one in turn before finally settling his gaze on Gordon. 

"Benrey," Tommy starts, wedging himself between the two of them. "You have to-"

"Yo, uh..." Benrey rolls right over whatever intervention Tommy was going to run, reaching into his vest pocket. Gordon braces himself, fight or flight instincts starting to seize hold of him as his body goes cold with panic. Benrey's going to kill him, he sold him out to the military to die and now he knows that Gordon's still around and he's going to kill him and- "You got one of these?"

And he holds up.

A Fucking.

**_PASSPORT._ **

There is silence, then an explosion of sound as Gordon _lunges_ forward. Every cell in his body is screaming with fight or flight, none of them agreeing - Gordon can't kill Benrey, Benrey can't _be_ killed, he has to run, _run, RUN,_ but he's so _angry_ and _everything_ that has happened today has been this _fucker's_ fault! The HEV suit dents in several directions as his bones rebel against one another with violent force, trying to drag him in different directions, but he keeps moving forward. 

Tommy's jumped out of the way, and Dr. Coomer is yelling, but Gordon's red-tinged tunnel vision is on Benrey and that _stupid. Fucking. **Passport**_ **.**

Benrey's expression changes a little, eyebrows shooting up, and he oepns his mouth - but any other mockery Benrey had planned to follow that up with dies in his larynx, which is crushed between Gordon's teeth. Faster than he's ever shifted before, he's re-aligned his jaw so his teeth jut out sharply, tongue fusing into bone and lending strength to his new, terrible maw, lengthening them into a sharp, grasping bite, like that of a prehistoric leviathan, and his choice between fight or flight, instinct or reason, is made.

He will _kill_.

He digs his teeth in more, twisting his neck which helpfully breaks into several more vertebrae to support the movement, and yanks back. He tears Benrey's throat out, and readies to dive back in for another bite. His hands, still laughably human, clutch desperately to the front of his security vest, keeping him right where he wants him. Benrey's mouthing something, gray bubbles speckled with white streaming from his torn open throat. Gordon tosses his head back, swallowing the ruined remains of Benrey's grating voice. 

When he looks down again, Benrey is shooting teal green - _healing beam_ , his distant mind supplies - and his throat is slowly stitching itself back up. That _fucker!_ Gordon opens his mouth to cuss him out, to gloat, but without his tongue all that comes out is a wretched, furious _screech_ , and his neck snaps forward, jaw open to rip his damn head off-!

" _MR. FREEMAN!_ " 

Something has him around the waist, pulling him back, pulling him off of Benrey, who falls backwards from where Gordon had been holding him off the ground. He's still shooting teal, though now his throat is patched enough that it's actually coming from his mouth, and he stares up at Gordon, eyes wide but otherwise as expressionless as ever. He will _wipe_ that damn nothing expression off his face, right before he wipes _Benrey_ from the face of the goddammed _EARTH-_

"Mr. Freeman! Stop!" 

He struggles, and breaks the grasp on him, shoving his assailant away and rounding on them with an open-mouth snarl.

He freezes. And stares.

The Neo-Science Team stare back. Bubby has his gun up, but it's pointed down, away from Gordon. Dr. Coomer is shaking out his arm, wincing. 

Tommy is looking at him with fear. 

And Gordon realizes that, for the first time ever, his cover is irrevocably blown. 

Terror overtakes him, different from his fear of Benrey. That had been flavored with rage, with a desire for revenge, this - this is core-deep _terror_. 

They know. They know, they know, they _know, they know they know they knowtheyknowtheyknow_ _the **yknowtheyknowtheyKNOW!!**_

Gordon turns, and flees back the way they came. 

\--

It's not hard to find an alcove to hide in. Black Mesa is full of weird places, especially now that the whole facility is falling down around their heads. A small blessing, although Gordon's in no shape to be appreciating it. He's too busy hyperventilating. The sheer terror of knowing that _they knew, they knew he wasn't human_ is slowly fading, as he simply doesn't have the energy left to keep panicking that hard. As it vanishes, however, a new dread is overtaking him - he's trying to fix his appearance, change himself _back._ Half the problem is remembering exactly what he did when he lost it. The other half is dredging up the energy to actually _do_ it. He can't make himself breathe properly - it feels like something is crushing his lungs, and with the way the HEV suit is dented and battered from the inside out, that might not be far off. His tongue is made of bone, his neck is too long and too loose. Everything aches, and he is _hungry_ , but he can taste Benrey's blood at the back of his throat and it makes him _sick_. His mouth drips with saliva, but he can't swallow properly, he can't breathe, he's suffocating, and any moment now someone is going to come, they're going to see him, they're going to _see him!_

If it's the military, they'll kill him outright. If it's one of the scientists, he might kill _them_ outright. He doesn't know which is worse. 

"Mr. Freeman?"

Oh. Oh, no. This was the worst. Of all the options, this was the worst. 

He shrinks into the alcove as best he can, but there's no real shelter from the hallway. As soon as the Science Team walks by, they'll see him, they'll kill him, they know, they've _seen him-!_

"Oh!" He blinks up at Tommy, who's looking down at him with surprise and - concern?

No. No, it must be fear, he had _scared_ Tommy earlier, and the thought makes him choke on a sob. Tommy was the only one in their group who was human, why the _hell_ would they send _him_ to go see what Gordon has become? Why did _he_ have to be witness to this? 

His sob turns into actual choking, and he turns away from Tommy, hacking and coughing as phlegm slides down the back of his throat. Tommy's crouching by him in a second, hand on his back, and though he can't feel Tommy's actual _hand_ through the HEV suit, he can feel the weight of it, the pressure of it, and the sobs redouble.

He cries until he can't, anymore. He's wrung out, empty in a way that he hasn't been for days. All the wire-tension in him has been cut, leaving behind only frayed, useless ends. 

_Just like my_ _arm,_ he thinks, and lets out a rasping, self-depreciating chuckle. Tommy's hand on his back pauses.

"Are you... feeling a little better, Mr. Freeman?" he asks. His voice is soft, hesitant, but now that Gordon's drained of all emotion, he can't miss the concern. There's not a single trace of fear, either, just worry. For him.

He tries to answer him, but his freakish jaws just clack together, and he lets out a low, mournful groan instead. 

"Oh. Um. Can you... can you not change back?" 

Gordon shakes his head, then pauses. Slowly, he lifts his hand. It feels like a million pounds, but he wobbles it back and forth in the universal gesture for _kinda._

"Okay. What do you need to change back?"

He clacks his teeth again, wincing at the grating feel of them sliding over each other. He needs _food_. But he's not likely to get that here. Really, he had all the materials he needed - everything he had changed, he could just change _back_. He just didn't have the energy for it. 

Tommy waits a long moment for some other kind of answer, and when Gordon couldn't provide, he shuffled around to squat in front of Gordon.

"Mr. Freeman, don't - don't laugh, when I ask this," he says slowly. "I'm not joking, I'm very- very serious." He waits until Gordon looks up and meets his gaze. "Do you want a soda? Would that help?" 

Gordon swallows the laugh that threatens to bubble up - god, he loved Tommy, but what a fucking thing to _say_ \- and chooses to take Tommy's offer at face value. He could use the sugar, and the caffeine. It wouldn't give him enough energy to fix everything he did to his insides, but it might give him enough of an energy boost to fix all the immediately visible stuff. Enough to get him back on his feet. 

He nods carefully.

"Alright." Tommy holds out his hand, curled as though around an invisible can of soda. Gordon fights another hysterical laugh. He looks so silly, brow furrowed like he's focusing on something, like he's just gonna _make_ -

A can of Sunkist soda pops into existence in Tommy's hand. 

Gordon stares at it. When he doesn't take it, Tommy slowly, carefully reaches for Gordon's hand, and wraps his fingers around the can.

"Sorry, I'm not very good at... selecting the flavor. And I don't really know what kind you like, you never really said. But Sunkist is always a pretty safe bet!" he chatters softly. Once Gordon's got a firm grip on it, he even goes so far as to pop the tab off of it. "Drink up!" 

It takes Gordon five sodas before he finally has his face and mouth in order, and even some of his bones, too. Some of the stuff under the skin is _fucked_ , but he's still wearing the HEV suit, so as long as he's got that, no one will notice. 

But... the Science Team already knows. 

Then again...

"So, I'm not human," Tommy says abruptly as Gordon struggles to find his voice again. They're sitting next to each other now, Gordon leaning on his shoulder. "My dad is... well. He's not either. I might have been at some point, but that information is on a need-to-know basis, and as far as my dad is concerned, I don't "need to know."" He does the air quotes and everything. "I gotta s- I have to say I'm surprised, Gordon. I thought you _were_ human, I never realized you were-" 

Gordon shakes his head rapidly. He doesn't want to say it, doesn't want to think it, wants to go back to pretending to be human with no one the wiser. He can't because he wouldn't kill the Neo-Science Team - and it's gone from couldn't to wouldn't, ever since they've reunited - and they know, but he still wants to go back to the comfort of pretending. 

"Oh. Sorry, Mr. Freeman." He fidgets with one of the empty Sunkist cans, gathering his thoughts again. "We don't have to talk about that, if you don't... want to. I can tell everyone else to not mention it, too. All of us have something we don't want to talk about. It's okay if this is yours."

He still doesn't trust his voice, but he gives a questioning grunt, hoping Tommy will understand. Maybe Tommy's abilities include telepathy, because he does. "Everyone's okay," he says. "We're all just really worried about you. You weren't doing so well when we ran into Benrey, and then you ran off..." Tommy puts the can on the ground, flicking it away with a clatter. "We thought we weren't going to find you. Everyone else is - everyone checked a different way." 

Gordon's exhausted heart warms at that. He had just turned into a monster and ripped a dude's throat out in front them, and they were _worried_ about him? 

It occurs to him then - no one has ever known the truth about him. No one has ever cared about him in his entirety - just for the human façade he put up to the world. Even his parents had been unwilling to stay a moment longer than they had to, but this... this is a new feeling.

If he wasn't so absolutely bone-deep tired, he might have cried again. If he does shed a few tears, Tommy diplomatically doesn't mention it. 

They sit for a while, long enough for Gordon to get his bearings back. He's mostly absorbed the soda, so his stomach is empty again, but it doesn't feel hollow and aching like before. He actually feels... a little more optimistic. The Science Team knows, and they don't care. He can go back to pretending to be human again. He can regrow his hand. He can have both of these things, and none of them are going to turn him in for it. 

He lets out a long sigh, and Tommy seems to sense his settling thoughts. "Are you ready to go- to head back to the team? Dr. Coomer and Dr. Bubby are... not the most patient people." Gordon thinks for a second, then nods, and Tommy gently pushes him off his shoulder so he can stand up. 

"Besides," Tommy said as he helps Gordon to his feet. "I chewed Benrey out after you ran off. Uh, not literally. He has some very specific apologies to make."

Gordon swallows heavily, relishing having a tongue that's muscle again. "I wish I saw that," he says, voice hoarse. 

"Well, if he doesn't apologize, you can see round two!" Tommy says, both seriously stern and smiling. Gordon laughs again, and while it's rough and it scrapes at his throat, it's genuine. 

They're gonna get out of here, together.

Things are gonna be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> *Speckled Rock means "I'm in shock!"


End file.
